Welllll......

My Social Worker arrived Sunday night and was here for near 3 hours. She was lovely, professional, direct, honest, compassionate and would happily do a HS update for me at the drop of a hat. She questioned my "motives", tested my knowledge of Ethiopia, the program, the new laws coming into effect, (PRIDE training, Bill C-14 etc.), really helped me do some STRONG soul searching. I am SO grateful she could come by. She was exactly the voice of knowledge, wisdom and reason I needed. Let's face it, I could NOT proceed without her, AND I could not let go of this without speaking to her. I want all avenues explored ... so that there will be no regrets.
Here's what I know now:
1) My daughter is PERFECT-really. She is smart, healthy, inquisitive, even miserable she is loveable. In essence, I hit the jackpot when I was blessed with her. I cannot re-live my adoption experience of receiving her.
2) The China adopt journey was amazing. The people who entered my life at that time--truly God's angels. I've already met some Ethio-Angels. Life is amazing.
3) We HAVE a very comfortable lifestyle--not abundant in anything, but not lacking either.
4) My daughter is CHINESE!
5)My second child would NOT be CHINESE (duh---actually, my SW was of value here pointing out that we live in a fairly diverse town very close to cities that are very diverse--so HOPEFULLY racism would not be an issue( and I am comfortable with that...but would my children be??Parents can't always be there when kids are ?'d by kids)
6)my heart has been leading me towards a 2nd child, but a level head is just as important.
She asked me if I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically ready/willing/able to add a 2nd child. Wavered on the emotional--because I am VERY emotional and the physical. Do I have the energy and stamina for a 2nd child??
Babies grow up!!(really??)Issues actually become harder. School bullying, homework, extra curricular activites etc.
My brilliant, kind, supportive SW said she would move heaven and earth to support me through this if I do decide to proceed.
She gave me advice on finances as well.
She also offered me another avenue than KL in that my first adoption agency is opening to Ethiopia. Immenently.
So....for now...here is what I am doing.
1) Updating my expired passport. Necessary.
2) Applying for a grant from Orphan's Hope. (can't HURT)
3) Applying for a line of credit
4) Contacted the Adoption Agency today-having a package sent ASAP.
5) Telling everyone I know about my "hopes" to adopt again. Prayer is POWERFUL!! (up until now only a few select people knew but I need some prayer troupes now so...)
6) Contact all my old references and give them the heads up
7) Having a 2nd interview with my SW early December. She feels strongly that we move on this now/soon (or let go of indefinitely)
8) AND start saving like crazy
She wants me going into this 150% committed, level headed, excited of course, but positively SURE that this is right for my family. For Olivia and I. For no REGRETS.
I think by doing these next few steps, I am arming myself with knowledge. Knowledge brings wisdom, and wisdom brings revelation. God knows my heart, but HE also knows my capabilites
so....
wish me luck!!
As a side note, I woke Monday morning completely rested. I felt a peace and calm I haven't felt in months. I feel really good that whatever decision I come to, will be the best decision for us, for now. I also realized that as I have been "pineing" over a 2nd child, I have gotten so caught up, that I have taken for granted how blessed I ALREADY AM. Olivia is incredible. She is. She is the light on a dark day. She is the laughter in my house. She is the warmth in my heart. She is a miracle.. dare I be so bold to believe for another miracle???

The Social Worker is Coming!!!

My/our SW is great!! Personable, professional, gorgeous and an all around cheerleader type. Oh yeah, she KNOWS her adoption "stuff" too. So we have been playing phone tag since the summer when she wanted to drop in to have a visit. Just that, a visit. We haven't seen her in over a year and a half. She really develops a lifelong relationship with her clients and as vivacious as she is, I adore her. So I called her last week, she has call display but took my call despite preparing a dinner party for her son's college buddies.(Cooking for 20-20year olds) We chatted briefly, she could "sense" something from me. Asked immediately about my health, my mom's, my brothers, nieces and nephews. Once it was clear that things are fine with me, she asked me to call her next week. I mentioned Tuesday. Yeap great, good day for her. Well, I chickened out yesterday. WHY? WELL....I am in overdraft for sh.. sakes, what the hell do I need a SW for??? Turns out I DO NEED HER!! She is the voice I need. No she hasn't offered to float me an adoption, nor has she offered to move in with me to help with the house and bills. She is coming to chat openly, honestly as a friend first, a professional close second on a....dare I say it, second adoption. An Ethiopian adoption. Her primary experience is domestic/China equally, but she has experience with Russia and Ethiopia too. She has worked with KL. SHE KNOWS ME!! She is big supporter of me!! She can give me the facts as she sees them....and she has put me as a "priority" that's why she is meeting with mom and I on Sunday night. She is already going to be in town, she's coming by. Olivia will be in bed and we will be able to talk openly. She wants my mom present for the obvious reason that my mother lives with me, and is "witness" to the parent I am, and who I could be to two children. Mom will also be impacted( greatly) if another little kid moves in.
What she told me is that my update would be quick. Nothing has changed. My employment, my house, marital status-everything is the same. Biggest issue is ....$$ followed closely by fear. (planted by the devil no less)
What I told her was this:
1) I attended a KL seminar in April
2) Met and networked through blogging several Cdn families with Ethiopian babes
3) Attended a summer picnic with families "with" kids from Ethiopia
4)CANNOT stop thinking about a second child
5) I have NO funds in sight for this second adoption although I am sure "loanable"
6) I do not want to look back on my life and regret the what ifs
7) I can totally see me raising a boy. 2years or older (younger that Olivia though)
8) I cannot let this go until I have spoken to her about it

So she is coming with the intentions of sorting it out and either moving on it ASAP (as in, including today's phone conversation) OR letting it go.....indefinitely. Not saying forever because I do not know what the far off future holds, but for this time. For now.
Phew Sunday--good thing I have a busy week. Otherwise I may have been tempted to put it off. Ok -now's the time for a windfall someone!