Welllll......

My Social Worker arrived Sunday night and was here for near 3 hours. She was lovely, professional, direct, honest, compassionate and would happily do a HS update for me at the drop of a hat. She questioned my "motives", tested my knowledge of Ethiopia, the program, the new laws coming into effect, (PRIDE training, Bill C-14 etc.), really helped me do some STRONG soul searching. I am SO grateful she could come by. She was exactly the voice of knowledge, wisdom and reason I needed. Let's face it, I could NOT proceed without her, AND I could not let go of this without speaking to her. I want all avenues explored ... so that there will be no regrets.
Here's what I know now:
1) My daughter is PERFECT-really. She is smart, healthy, inquisitive, even miserable she is loveable. In essence, I hit the jackpot when I was blessed with her. I cannot re-live my adoption experience of receiving her.
2) The China adopt journey was amazing. The people who entered my life at that time--truly God's angels. I've already met some Ethio-Angels. Life is amazing.
3) We HAVE a very comfortable lifestyle--not abundant in anything, but not lacking either.
4) My daughter is CHINESE!
5)My second child would NOT be CHINESE (duh---actually, my SW was of value here pointing out that we live in a fairly diverse town very close to cities that are very diverse--so HOPEFULLY racism would not be an issue( and I am comfortable with that...but would my children be??Parents can't always be there when kids are ?'d by kids)
6)my heart has been leading me towards a 2nd child, but a level head is just as important.
She asked me if I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically ready/willing/able to add a 2nd child. Wavered on the emotional--because I am VERY emotional and the physical. Do I have the energy and stamina for a 2nd child??
Babies grow up!!(really??)Issues actually become harder. School bullying, homework, extra curricular activites etc.
My brilliant, kind, supportive SW said she would move heaven and earth to support me through this if I do decide to proceed.
She gave me advice on finances as well.
She also offered me another avenue than KL in that my first adoption agency is opening to Ethiopia. Immenently.
So....for now...here is what I am doing.
1) Updating my expired passport. Necessary.
2) Applying for a grant from Orphan's Hope. (can't HURT)
3) Applying for a line of credit
4) Contacted the Adoption Agency today-having a package sent ASAP.
5) Telling everyone I know about my "hopes" to adopt again. Prayer is POWERFUL!! (up until now only a few select people knew but I need some prayer troupes now so...)
6) Contact all my old references and give them the heads up
7) Having a 2nd interview with my SW early December. She feels strongly that we move on this now/soon (or let go of indefinitely)
8) AND start saving like crazy
She wants me going into this 150% committed, level headed, excited of course, but positively SURE that this is right for my family. For Olivia and I. For no REGRETS.
I think by doing these next few steps, I am arming myself with knowledge. Knowledge brings wisdom, and wisdom brings revelation. God knows my heart, but HE also knows my capabilites
so....
wish me luck!!
As a side note, I woke Monday morning completely rested. I felt a peace and calm I haven't felt in months. I feel really good that whatever decision I come to, will be the best decision for us, for now. I also realized that as I have been "pineing" over a 2nd child, I have gotten so caught up, that I have taken for granted how blessed I ALREADY AM. Olivia is incredible. She is. She is the light on a dark day. She is the laughter in my house. She is the warmth in my heart. She is a miracle.. dare I be so bold to believe for another miracle???

The Social Worker is Coming!!!

My/our SW is great!! Personable, professional, gorgeous and an all around cheerleader type. Oh yeah, she KNOWS her adoption "stuff" too. So we have been playing phone tag since the summer when she wanted to drop in to have a visit. Just that, a visit. We haven't seen her in over a year and a half. She really develops a lifelong relationship with her clients and as vivacious as she is, I adore her. So I called her last week, she has call display but took my call despite preparing a dinner party for her son's college buddies.(Cooking for 20-20year olds) We chatted briefly, she could "sense" something from me. Asked immediately about my health, my mom's, my brothers, nieces and nephews. Once it was clear that things are fine with me, she asked me to call her next week. I mentioned Tuesday. Yeap great, good day for her. Well, I chickened out yesterday. WHY? WELL....I am in overdraft for sh.. sakes, what the hell do I need a SW for??? Turns out I DO NEED HER!! She is the voice I need. No she hasn't offered to float me an adoption, nor has she offered to move in with me to help with the house and bills. She is coming to chat openly, honestly as a friend first, a professional close second on a....dare I say it, second adoption. An Ethiopian adoption. Her primary experience is domestic/China equally, but she has experience with Russia and Ethiopia too. She has worked with KL. SHE KNOWS ME!! She is big supporter of me!! She can give me the facts as she sees them....and she has put me as a "priority" that's why she is meeting with mom and I on Sunday night. She is already going to be in town, she's coming by. Olivia will be in bed and we will be able to talk openly. She wants my mom present for the obvious reason that my mother lives with me, and is "witness" to the parent I am, and who I could be to two children. Mom will also be impacted( greatly) if another little kid moves in.
What she told me is that my update would be quick. Nothing has changed. My employment, my house, marital status-everything is the same. Biggest issue is ....$$ followed closely by fear. (planted by the devil no less)
What I told her was this:
1) I attended a KL seminar in April
2) Met and networked through blogging several Cdn families with Ethiopian babes
3) Attended a summer picnic with families "with" kids from Ethiopia
4)CANNOT stop thinking about a second child
5) I have NO funds in sight for this second adoption although I am sure "loanable"
6) I do not want to look back on my life and regret the what ifs
7) I can totally see me raising a boy. 2years or older (younger that Olivia though)
8) I cannot let this go until I have spoken to her about it

So she is coming with the intentions of sorting it out and either moving on it ASAP (as in, including today's phone conversation) OR letting it go.....indefinitely. Not saying forever because I do not know what the far off future holds, but for this time. For now.
Phew Sunday--good thing I have a busy week. Otherwise I may have been tempted to put it off. Ok -now's the time for a windfall someone!

Signs and Messages

Sunday is family day...and Church day. I have attended KCF since 1996 and it is the only church Olivia knows as "home". Of course we've been to other services--like my BF's ordination service, a baptism service for my god-daughter and weddings, so Olivia knows other churches, but she knows KCF to be home. Today as we were turning the corner to enter the parking lot we saw this weeks motivational meesage on the sign. It read: "Don't let regrets become your dreams". It reads a tad odd just now but in essence chase your dreams so they don't end up being regrets. UUUM.

There was a Water Baptism service this morning where 3 people chose to be baptised. Pastor Dave officiates for baptisms. All the kids-5 in total with the nieces and nephews- were trying to get a better seat on my lap so to see the baptism. I missed the biblical reference Dave quoted but he spoke of an "Ethiopian" that came across a water baptism and wanting to follow Jesus, was baptised right then and there. Uuuum, Pastor Dave did you say "Ethiopian"?

Pastor Steve takes over and begins to preach. Our focus this while has been on Faith. How to have it but also to receive it. Just as important. I always take notes. And drat when I don't have functioning pen. But doesn' t Pastor Steve quote Gal. 4:4-6...."that we might receive the adoption as sons."
OK--so I am now totally not listening and have actually heard "adoption OF sons". Yeah ok-so clarified the verse but...come on...grasping here folks.
As we left service, I had Adryan, Courtney and Olivia with me (my S-I-L was steps behind) Pastor Steve bent way over (he's about 6ft plus) and gave a group hug squeeze. The children LOVE Pastor Steve--and that's because he has a heart for children and is not afraid to show it. I commented that he does pretty well to bend that far over to grab these kids and he rises up to hug me, saying how much Olivia LOOKS like me. (And she does) He continues saying, something about me being Asian. To that I answered, "well my next child -from Ethiopia- definitely will not look like me-unless for the chubby cheeks" His response was positive. Nothing I can quote because it was just a moment...a glance...another squeeze and chuckle...my S-I-L heard it too. Planting the seed. Looking desparately for signs. I'd say today was full of them.
During supper--tacos for the first time--Olivia was munching away and out of the blue says, "Gabriel". My mother and I just looked at each other. I asked Olivia to repeat what she said, she shrugged and repeated it but claims she doesn't know where she heard it or if she knows a Gabriel or not. Insuggnificant to her, right. BUT way odd to me. She could've over heard us...but neither of us thinks she did, since I have curbed the sibling talk for the last few months. And only entertain conversations with my mom when Olivia is asleep.
Uuum. Five years ago, I was starting a homestudy to adopt Olivia. Is September a lucky month?? uuugh!!

What's in a name?

My mom caught me off guard tonight when she suggested a boys name. She loves the "name game" as much as I do, but to out of the blue offer up a boys name was a wee bit odd. She hasn't asked me about my "plans". (Plans-insinuates THERE is one but...) She hasn't hounded me. She hasn't really said much. She adores Olivia. She adores all of her grandchildren. For her, a second child for me would mean a 6th grandchild for her. And a 3rd boy. An even team of bambino's. But she is not pushing. She is actually quite open to this thought/dream. I find great reassurance in this because of everyone I know, who knows me as a mother, she (and Olivia) would the person closest who can see my abilities. My coping mechanisms. My meltdowns. My impatience. AND yet she still believes I could be a parent to two children. And a boy at that. So just for fun here are some boys names that have always been on my list. (You know- the list I'd need when Mr. Right Fantabulous appears and sweeps me off my feet, marries me, knocks me up and then says, "Honey, YOU should be a stay at home mom for our 6 kids" Kiss, squeeze, hug--THAT list)
Benjamin
Leander
Logan
Silas
Jack-William ( this one is a hyphenated name representing 2 important family members)
Joseph
Gabriel
Nigel
Ezra
Samuel
Simon
Well that's enough for sure. Receiving a son through adoption would mean he'd already have a name, so I would do as I did with Olivia. Wait for picture Referral to meet/see his picture. Find out his given name and the meaning behind it and then decide whether or not to alter it. I was really set for Olivia--I had just dreamt that long about it. And while she has quite the "handle" it flows really well combining my choice and her Chinese given name. Her name also reflects her heritage, so I would only strive to do that for a second child.
Mom came up with Gabriel tonight. Olivia Hui Hui and Gabriel. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

PINK or BLUE???

I changed the colour for this blog because my heart yearns for a wee boy. This has taken me off guard as I was not open to this when I was adopting Olivia. Well, honestly the idea/option never came up by either my agency or SW that I could receive a boy, so I pursued my daughter. I really wanted a baby girl. Always have. And I requested just that. "A healthy baby girl under the age of 12 months"---yes you know the one--in aisle 9!! I have a bit more insight, wisdom and OPINION if I could arrange a second adoption. I would blessed by a CHILD under the age of 2.5 years. I would leave it up to the fates of Heaven. Gods angels. They are everywhere. Pink or Blue?? Well, why not green and yellow? Periwinkle even.

Blogging

I have had the pleasure this last few months to come across some wonderful blogs. All of them are adoption related. Either China, Vietnam or Ethiopian adoption. A common thread in all of these blogs is the sincere desire for a child. Most of these parents-to-be are first time parents and just starting the process or are in the early waiting stage. It is an amazing way to document the wait, the stress, the anxiety offered by building your family through International Adoption. Most people are very honest and open to comments. As well, there is a whole community of people cheering one another on. It is for this reason that I value adoption as I do. Adoption meets the needs of several parties all at once. The wanna be parents, the child without a home, and the orphanges that are full to capacity. When I adopted Olivia, there was no opportunity to visit her orphanage. AND there was no real explanation as to WHY we would not be invited in. I would have loved this chance to see first hand where Olivia lived her first 10 months but it was unimportant in the grand scheme -at the time. Olivia was healthy, in new clothing, clean, plump and obviously well cared for by her workers at her orphanage. All of the babies were in great condition. We were blessed to receive these children in the manner that we did, we were not going to challenge seeing the orphanage.
The blogs I read about Ethiopia, there is not only the opportunity to visit the orphanage, but also the chance to meet a birth mother. Visit with her and your new child. What a blessing that would be. I can hardly imagine this for Olivia. That would be a dream. Meeting her mother, holding her hand, our souls speaking, mine in awe of her scarifice and in humble thanks. Well that's what I imagine, anyway. I will never know--and therefore Olivia will never know the circumstances of her adoption placement. This is a piece of information you receive when adopting from Ethiopia. It is a completely different program.

I attended an Ethiopian families picnic with Olivia last weekend. It was awesome. The weather was great and there were many families there. Lots of wee babes just home and several families waiting to go. Interestingly, there were 3 in total, single moms with daughters from China in attendance. All of us looking, dreaming, pursuing a second child. A child from Ethiopia. My decision is no closer--although I am acutely aware that I CANNOT sit indefinitely- after seeing these families. I am praying continually. AND reading blogs. This has been very helpful. Thanks

My smilely boys--say cheese!! Auntie Weez has FINALLY figured photo posting OUT!!

MY Nephew--Adryan

I have two nephews. Devyn is 7.5 and Adryan is 2.5. Both boys are blonde blue eyed, wonders of God. I always say that, "Devyn is sent from heaven".He is our first baby. Both boys are awesome, intelligent, active, curious, LOVING individuals. My baby brother and his wife are blessed with 4 healthy, bright, beautiful children. The girls, Sydney, 5 and Courtney, 3 are also gems but since this post is about my wee Adryan--I will exhault them at a later time. We had the boys for a sleep over on the long weekend. Even with two adults in the house, we feel 3 children is enough for my mom and I to handle so we break the sleepovers up. (girls sleepover later) Adryan spent the whole time yakking away in "Adryanize". He talks constantly but slurs still as some 2.5 year olds do. He had me laughing the whole time. "WEEETHZ--you're not my buddy", "Feel my muscthles"-then he'd punch me! ouch! "weeethz-me no love you" " excuthz me, whosth whip whops??" (flip flops!!) By morning, he was saying "aww weethz I LOVE you" followed by kisses and hugs. "me go in weethz van" "me live at weethz housthe" I tell you, I could HARDLY imagine loving a child as much as I love my brother's children. They are truly a blessing. Olivia adores her cousins-all of them. She has a special relationship with each of them individually. But I can see that she is also partial to Adryan. He is THAT amazing. My Adryan--our last family baby, he is everything boy and then some. He is a light in our family. A light that makes me want my very own boy. One that lives at my "housthe".

A sibling? A brother?

I attended an adoption seminar in April. At that time, I was just collecting information. I attended because it was close to my home, time condusive to my mom babysitting (1-4) and it was a different agency(#D) from the one that facilitated Olivia's adoption. Olivia's agency(#A) was WONDERFUL!!-Still are, but are struggling along with all International adoption agencies, on what programs to offer their singles. Because God knows there are a large number of single parent wannabes. AND that for the most part-most of us would LOVE to be a partnership-but just aren't and can offer something these orphans do not currently have. A HOME. Unconditional LOVE. Support. a LIFE of chances. These orphans can offer many of us; A HOME. Unconditional LOVE. Support. a LIFE beyond ourselves. The local agency-#D- has an established program with Ethiopia. Do I know anyone here?No. Do I know EVERYONE at Olivia's agency?Yes. I travelled with some of them. Brought home our Chinese children together. The other MOST important reason for meeting agency-#D- is that my first agency has now instituted a non gender bias policy. ( in my heart I totally AGREE with their thought process and subsequent decision...but it means not requesting a girl. With China, I most likely would've received a girl regardless but with other countries this is not so much guarenteed)Back in April-when agency #A put this policy into effect-I felt I would not be able to work with them again since my preference (THEN) was a girl. Thank GOD for time. And blogs. My wee narrow mind was closed to the thought of a boy because of FEAR. Single mother"dumb" thinking I could not raise a boy. Weird thought since I am closer to my nephews than my nieces.
AND that Olivia would ADORE a brother. So my heart has flipped. Done an 180. BRING ON THE BLUE!! Well, I would not gender specify at all in my next HS. I'd leave that up to the divine angels GOD has working in these adoption centers. But I am so open to a little boy.
Guess what --this has only INCREASED the yearning.
I chatted this weekend with a new, wise friend and she invited me to the CanadaAdoptsEthiopia site as well as an upcoming picnic.(Thanks Dollie) Looking forward to meeting many families there and adoring their babies.
The seed is so planted.

People reading this blog??

Hi Kate and All,
Sorry I haven't posted much here. I spend a wack of time reading, commenting on others blogs and then surfing for the tiniest bit of info regarding Ethiopia. Living vicariously through others experiences.
My "sense/longing/yearning" has not diminished in one tiny bit. I am praying for revelation. I want with all my heart to pursue this but the signs were so clear from God during Olivia's adoption, that FEAR (aka the devil) has krept in and taken hold. This Sunday Pastor Steve said something that struck a cord with me. If we constantly speak about what we are worried about, writing it down, giving witness to it at every turn(with co-workers, family, friends) it comes to pass because it gets all our energy away from having FAITH. AND turning towards GOD. Therefore, DON'T WORRY!! PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY some more.Wait on the Lord.
That's what my plan is for now.
Thanks for reading.
Blessings

Watoto Choir

Our church, Koinonia CF, hosted the Watoto Childrens Choir a week ago Friday night. My roomate-AKA my mother picked Olivia up early from daycare to bring her home for a nap so she could attend. By Fridays, Olivia is spent and often in bed by 6:45pm. I knew I wanted her to see these children sing, so the retired granny came in handy once again. (hats off to you mom-thanks for picking her up) These children were AMAZING!! INSPIRING!!A testament to what financial support for these kids can do. Everyone of them orphaned by...primarily AIDS. Everyone of them spoke, gave their name, their life aspirations(a doctor, a pilot, a teacher, a pastor) and said how they lost their parents and made it to the Watoto village. These are villages put together and supported by an American Pastor and his wife since 1994. The choir travels around singing, bringing their stories, sad and joyful, to congregations all over the world. I will say I was immediately impacted by their smiles. Their attitiude of graciousness and pure thankfulness was apparent. Two of the boys sang and smiled so abundantly they started to cry. Each one of them gave thanks for their parents and stated they believed their parents were in heaven. That they would see them again someday.It was ...breathtaking. They are from Uganda, Africa. Seeing them has opened a lot of questions for Olivia."Why are they orphans?" "Why did their parents die?" "Is Africa closer than China?" We purchased one of their CD's(should've gotten them all), some jewellry, a book and a t-shirt for Olivia. Awe-inspiring.What I now KNOW for sure is that if a second child of mine doesn't live in Africa...then I don't have a second child.

"We could go to Ethiopia"

Well, another day spent daydreaming, longing, running numbers.It is only sensible to think of the finances-not just the finances to facilitate a second adoption but the quality of life I could provide for two children. We don't need fancy things but enabling us to take summer vacations(local to Ontario Cottages) gymnastics, skating,music lessons etc., does equal quality of life. Olivia was quick to say tonight--randomly-although an episode of Ellen featuring "spots" on the world may have spurred her--"we can't go to China and "get" another child.We'd have to go to Ethiopia" ..."because China changed the laws" "But we can still visit China" YES-we can. Homeland visit= also equals finances.
Reading blogs. Finding delight in others experiences and joy.

Is there a NEED for a second blog?

I just created a second blog!!**^%?? Is there a NEED?? Well, my first blog was created by a friend at church as blogging was so new to me. It's going well. I enjoy it and make time for it. It is dedicated to my daughter, Olivia. (Also known as Hui Hui-her Chinese name) I have been wavering for a few months now about the possibility of a sibling for her. (Not like a new doll, puppy or game), but an expansion of our family. Mommy and two kids. I thought I had settled this idea when China announced it's International Adoption Policy change that took effect in May of 2007. There was enough notice to scramble like the dickens, throw together a file, and hope it would get through in time. And I know a few people who did that. I was not one of those who KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I'd do well with another child. A second adoption--oh that would be dreamy. The blessing of Olivia's adoption was......miraculous. No other way for me to imagine receiving a child. No other way. Would I like to adopt again? OR would I like to re-live Olivia's adoption?? Each child, each situation is different. I am sure that my heart is NOT sure, not closed to a second child. I've known that for some time but choose to ignore it thinking there would be time. Well, didn't China let me know otherwise. So I've mourned something not even tangible. I've mourned the "thought, daydream" of a sibling-a sister for Olivia. A sister that looks like her. Has a similar story to hers. No longer is this dream in exisitance. Of course China "could" change their policies in the future. Do I think they will?? Not in my time frame of bringing home a sibling relative to Olivia in age. So I cried. AND started reading singles adoption sites. Low and behold in my backyard (figuratively) is an agency that facilitates adoptions to many single friendly countries. K. I. Adoption agency offered a free seminar in April within a 1/2 hour of my home. I went--on the very day that my Pastor was quoted to say, "Desire without Action is just Curiosity" AND I came home FULL of hope. That there are still options for our family to expand. Would Olivia's sibling "look" like her-no, similar story to hers--not exactly, but still in need of a forever family--like Olivia was. AND now Olivia, in her perceptivieness has been "requesting" a BROTHER!! A BOY!!Yikes-are you kidding me?? So here I sit-with passports soon to expire, no extra funds to facilitiate a second adoption, and a first child about to start school---and I CANNOT STOP THINKING "I HAVE A CHILD IN ETHIOPIA" Lord, desires of the Heart. Saviour, He can move the mountains. Be still my heart.